1. How old will you be in five years?
22 if it's 5 years today.

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
I don't think I can say I've been with anyone for 2 whole hours today yet but I'll say my mum

3. How tall are you?
5ft 1

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Absolute freedom from exams... so reading... colouring hair... being in the park... horseriding etc etc.

5. What's the last movie you saw?
Ocean's Thirteen :D was amazing

6. Who was the last person you called?
Middleton Equestrian Centre

7. Who was the last person to call you?
Steph (my sister)

8. What was the last text message you received?
twas from Gareth saying how he loved how i was trying to justify myself not drinking too much so that he wouldnt forbid me from drinking. haha.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
I don't have voicemail on.

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Text

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Finishing my Shakespeare quote-memorising session and watching Big Brother Live ... yuck

12. Are your parents married/divorced?
married

13. When did you last see your mom?
This morning, 7:40am

14. What color are your eyes?
brown

15. What time did you wake up today?
6am is when I woke up but I didn't get up til 6:55am

16. What are you wearing right now?
black trousers, black jumper and black jacket (for school... not a funeral... mind you.....(!)

17. What is your favorite Christmas song?
That New York one... Fairytale of/in New York

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
On holiday, preferably with the neighbours... oh the beach in the sun... or horseriding. Also Paris. There are many places!

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
School at the moment (i.e. exams)... stuck in the snow or the rain on the way to school

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
The Caribbean. Or South Africa

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I can't imagine! gee... hopefully I'll have my own horse and will have just left the stable from feeding it to go to work.

22. Do you tan or burn?
Tan mostly... depending on the heat aswell it would seem

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
The dark half dead man who I always imagined to be lying behind me facing me, reaching his hand over my mouth and pushing me under the covers and suffocating me... yes... it was terrifying

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
The dogs probably

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
5. One in each bedroom, one in the kitchen and one in the lounge

26. How big is your bed?
Regular single

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Neither of my own yet

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Underwear... t-shirt and short shorts in the winter

29. What color are your sheets?
Cream

30. How many pillows do you sleep with
Two

31. What is your favorite season?
There are great things about all seasons but i'll say summer because my birthday is in august and its the summer hols

33. What do you like about winter?
Being inside watching any storm or the snow outside. Also Christmas time

34. What do you like about the summer?
That you can go outside without a coat and walk on DRY grass and drink orange juice with lemonade :D

35. What do you like about spring?
The days get longer and you feel more alive

36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Im going to say one and count the West Midlands as a state :D bad bad americans!

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Birmingham (well, the suburbs i.e. four oaks)

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Shoes. Socks on the grass in summer though. I dont like bare feet... id have to be wearing flipflops or sandals.

39. Are you a social person?
If its with someone i know yes. Not that great with strangers.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
My tea last night... so that would be pasta

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Big up The Four Oaks!!! (i work there) and we've just had a refurb :) But yes... I love The Lodge

42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Raspberry Ripple

43. What is your favorite dessert?
Tiramisu or Treacle Sponge

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
French onion

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
yuck. And i hate peanut butter

46. Do you like Chinese food?
Yep

47. Do you like coffee?
Nope. tea all the way

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
1 if im lucky. If im at work then 2 or 3

49. What do you drink in the morning?
Tea if im up early enough

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
no

52. Do you know how to play poker?
I know HOW to play but whether im good is another story... however... i love the game

53. Do you like to cuddle?
Of course

54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No. But id like to go

55. Do you have an addictive personality?
I would hope so?

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
I like eating out to try out the menu

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Madonna :D

59. Do you want kids?
Maybe. But i have to have 3... Ava, Amelie and Oliver. I need to have all those names so i need 3 kids :S

60. Do you speak any other languages?
I can speak some French... i did it to AS level

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Teeny ones yes

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
No. Dont want to either!

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Pool.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Window

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
What?

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
CDs, Magic cards, chocolate and sweets after exams, clothes

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
My rings, i love them. Mind you, there are only 2 i wear at night.

68. What is your favorite TV show?
Black Books, green wing, the l word, queer as folk... there are more!

69. Can you roll your tongue?
Yup ^^

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
Pauline from the Four Oaks... she gets me in absolute hysterics

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
No, but i have them near the bed. And i've just realised my Mew glows in the dark!

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
what do you mean main?

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Nuuu

74. What red object is closest to you right now?
Well i have a book near me with a lot of red on it.

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
No

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
a bear... he might just be trying to cuddle me.

78. Do you flirt a lot?
I dont think so :S

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Ketchup

80. What is your favorite food?
I have many so I cant say

81. Can you change the oil on a car?
I havent ever done it but I think i could

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
I dont drive so no

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
ditto the above answer

84. What is your usual bedtime?
11ish... then i stay awake for a while

85. What was the last book you read?
Im reading Ulysses by James Joyce. The last book I finished... I really don't remember :p

86. Do you read the newspaper?
Sometimes

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
No

89. Do you watch soap operas?
No

90. Do you dance in the car?
Not really

91. What radio station did you last listen to?
Kerrang

92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
My and my sister

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
Revision notes

94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Not sure... i prefer inscence to candles that give out scents

95. What is your favorite board game?
hmmmmmmm... not sure.

97. When was the last time you attended church?
Aaaaaaaages ago

98.Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Mrs Dimmock

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
2 weeks in france when i was little. It was one of those huge tents

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Sammy does lots of special things for me.

Horse riding last night was fantastic.I can definately feel an improvement now, and I think this is mostly due to the fact that my jumping lessons are private.
Firstly, I was so much more comfortable at being on my own. At the start of the lesson I go into the school and Gemma starts setting up the jumps, which takes about 10 minutes, so she basically says 'get on and just start doing your own thing. Start going around doing stop-starts, trot and canter'.


Now usually in the group we only get to canter when she says and it's usually only one or two laps of the school due to space and time and the fact that it's quite a big group. but when in a private lesson and for the first part am told that i can canter when i wish it's a lot more comfortable because i have a thing about people watching me in a group.
So I learned to relax more, which ultimately makes it so much easier to get a canter and I found that after a while it didn't take much to get canter from halt or walk. We found last night that Oliver is also capable of having a very bouncy canter, which is a lot better for jumping because it means that they are working from behind and containing energy, resulting in a better jump that is less forced or rushed.
So we were improving that, which also forced me to keep my legs firmly around him in canter (which is where they should be).

I have also found that a technique that is so much more effective than kicking. If the horse and you both know that the horse is capable of doing what you want then there is no point in digging your heels in or being too firm. You don't want them to become jumpy or skittish because you're jabbing them in the side when they would do exactly what you asked if you just asked politely.
So rather than putting pressure on with the heel in a horizontal movement I have worked out that a more 'stroking' technique with the heel, pushing up with the heel gently, is better. It is also good because if you increase the pressure of the strokes or the speed it works more as encouragement into the pace that the horse knows it is capable of doing rather than saying 'right now go!' and making them jumpy and probably saying to themselves 'Christ you could have just asked nicely!' Not only does this make for smoother transitions but you dont get the jumping the back up when going into trot, which ultimately tends to lead to rushing or lifting of the head.

So I feel that I am learning a lot of new things. I am very tempted to start having more prviate lessons, even if just half hour sessions (which would be the same kind of price as the group hour session) because it definately increases my concentration and allows me to become more comfortable. It's less about where you are in the school compared to others and more about you talking to the horse and being less conscious that you're being watched.
I definately feel a lot more accomplished after my private lessons so it would probably make sense to follow that and have more of them. The groups are fine when there aren't so many of you but the last few times there have been 6 or 7 of us and it's just not the same, especially as the horses get a lot less focused when around so many others.

So, I miss next week because of going to see Mika (6 days!!!!), but the week after I will have another private, whether it be half an hour or an hour or half an hour jumping, it just feels so much better.

An amusing quote: "It's a lot like nuts and bolts - if the rider's nuts, the horse bolts!" ~Nicholas Evans

You Are Ashlee Simpson!

Stylish, unique, talented You're your own woman! "It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real I like the way that feels"

Steph thinks 'oh my' at me having put that on here
*shrugs*

*runs*

I have found one of the most beautiful songs ever... You Are Loved by Josh Groban. It makes me sad but so happy at the same time.
"When you're lost inside I'll be there to find you"

I had such a horrid dream last night. I was being held captive
by Venom from Spiderman 3 and though i kept trying to escape he kept catching me by using his cameras and then coming after me. Eventually he held me in this room where he had loads of people who were going to be photographed. There were guards, naked women and Venom but in a suit. He lived in this really posh house right next to the sea and outside this room the land led down to the coast, though on the way were loads of thick exotic plants. He told me i could run down to the coast but the girls, who now had guns, would start shooting as i ran across the patio to the first lot of brightly coloured bushes and flowers. I ran and one girl told me she would give me a little bit longer. It was terrifying because they started firing and i was trying to crawl and run down the hill, hiding behind big spikey plants.I got to the sand and saw a man in army gear running the opposite way, back up the hill with a gun. There in the sea ahead was a tiny army boat with one man in it and a really big gun. I ran for it and the sand at my feet was flung up as the girls took fire now i had emerged from the plants. It was so horrible. Eventually i reached the boat and hid in it, thinking that they would come down and drag me out.

Probably not very exciting if you read it, but as a dream it was so horrible, it was trying to hide from him in his own house that was scary as well.
The staff meeting was fine. Had lovely free food and generally had a laugh with my colleagues. At one stage I did have a strange episode. I just wanted to cry. I felt a lump in the back of my throat and despite all the people around me I just felt like breaking down into tears. I dont understand what came over me. It could be stress, it could be pressure, but then I got myself more upset texting gareth. Thankfully I got a hug from Rach and I felt a bit better, but it was just strange.

Today will suck too. I have a sodding biology test at lunch and last lesson ¬¬ How... disgusting. I would try to forget about it but i need to keep revising. Josh Groban is making me feel ok this morning. This is such a beautiful beautiful song. His voice is incredible.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediaselector/check/player/nol/newsid_6630000/newsid_6638000?redirect=6638019.stm&news=1&bbwm=1&bbram=1&nbram=1&nbwm=1

Went to see Spiderman 3 last night! It was awesome.

( Dont click if you dont want to know about Spiderman 3 yet, i.e. if you haven't watched it )

Awesome 3-day weekend. Friday seems so long ago! :S I wish we could always have weekends that long, im telling you now it would really raise morale.

Over and out for now

This is mostly a 'note-to-self' post :p

To do:
Wash hair when i get home
Get £15 out bank for Sam
Rent Final Fantasy Advent Children for tonight ????
Do Psychology essay on non-human animal testing


Right. That'll do donkey, that'll do

I think i've finally made my decision!!! Lancaster Uni here I come!!!!! wooooooooooo!


And i want to say congratulations to ma wee soeur who is the GB Ultimate Frisbee team :D weeeeeeee!!!! 


Im a happy soul today and i only have two lessons. In my frees i shall be investigating different banks to see if its worth changing and getting a new account. Well, i shall get a new account for student loans and whatever, i just need to decide where. Then i have horse riding tonight at 7pm. :D Let's just hope i dont have such a difficult horse because last time it killed my thighs for days afterwards because i had to work so hard. Had a dream I was on this woman called Anita's horse and his name is Zach (he is real yes). Yes, i do have horsey dreams sometimes :S 
Lol, the first dream i had was very weird! I wont go into the first bit because it was truely strange, but the second bit my mother bought me n gareth ice creams and then we got in my dad's car and started driving somewhere. Only problem was the steering wheel, which decided to lock and not move as we were heading for a corner so we went shooting off the road and onto a lake. I say 'onto' because we didnt sink, instead we skidded round the surface of said lake and only finally stopped when i leant out of the car to grap hold of a big bush, which slowed us down and stopped up skidding so that we could apply the brakes with decent effect.

Totally random.

http://networking.imagini.blueorange.co.uk/vdna.php?uid=607045-0d18&srv=iwebhd3

I cant get it to work :S

This is the way you left me,
Im not pretending,
No hope no love no glory
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever,
Then live the rest of our life
But not together.


This isn't good. I am welling up and im in the goddamn library!!! In public so to speak!! Aaaaah! *gets rid of feeling about to cry*
I think maybe im a little closer to deciding where to go but its still a shame i will have to turn one place down when i do like them both >_< How am i to know where i will be happiest out of the two?! I dont even want to write down the name of the place i think i will chose because i havent actually chosen!

I really dont know what to do with my life. I am feeling, once again, like a failure. I am failing very rapidly and i have this horrible feeling in my stomach that all this will go to pot... that i wont get what i want/need in my exams, i wont end up going to uni and i'll be stuck. It is terrifying me because i dont even know what to do after uni as it is! 

break is nearly over so that means biology then psychology ¬¬ but then lunch, which i cant wait for because a) im starving and b) it means i will only have one lesson left of the week and then i shall see sam and tomorrow i shall be going out to see my aunty and uncle (not really actual aunty and uncle just those close family friends you call aunty and uncle) and eating out at a nice place :) Sadly i will then have to muster up enough energy and non-feeling-ill-ness to work in the evening. oh yey. Sometimes i wonder why i dont just work in a nice shop or something. Id like to work in Waterstones, possibly in town... but that would involve working daytimes again and i think i like having my weekends back having lost saturdays for nearly 3 years. Meh... i like the pub... its just so exhausting and things are always chaning there; like chris and claire are going to leave so steph and rach are going to be running the place i think, also, we have new shirts which are not that nice and mine is massive. I dont know, it's just... weird. Then again, maybe i would find shop work boring having raced around a restaurant for nearly a year. My god it perhaps is a year! over a year! unless it was may, not march, when i started, in which case its 11 months! blimey

I absolutely cannot wait to go see Mika at the academy (17th May). Mika makes me so very happy! I thought, when we booked it, because it was a while ago, i would have got bored of him by the time we go to see him but NO WAY!!!! I love him to pieces and his album is my album of the spring! I wonder what my album of the summer will be lol... last year it was Lacuna Coil - Comalies. weee

Biology... yay.

over and out!
 

Thankfully I am feeling a bit happier today. I DO have riding later but i think im just generally on a happier peak at the moment. One guess where this'll head though ¬¬ Ah well... i dont mind waiting for the decline because in the meantime at least i get a phase of happiness. Work was tiring last night. It shouldnt have been but i havent been there in ages and i guess it was a shock to the recently adjusted system. Ah well. We have new shirts though ¬¬ They're black (w00t!) but the smallest size is a 10 so mine is really BIG. I need a way of shrinking it without making it small enough to fit my teddybear lol.

Im very sad... i am listening to Transylvania :S
*switches song to Patrick Wolf* I blame gareth and my sis for this! I cant get this song out of my head! not that i mind because it kicks ass, but still :p

God dammit i have to do a timed essay in english this morning ¬¬ I have actually prepared this one though, quite well too. So hopefully it'll be ok. I just hope i dont need my book of poems (or that we're not allowed it) because i dont have it >_<


Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee Im going away with gareth!!!!! Well, it needs to be sorted out and stuff but hopefully we're going to Tenby at the end of the summer WOOOOO! It should be so much fun!

Right, for now... Over and Out

Well here goes nothing, back to school. oh woop di doo... can you sense my extreme happiness? ...... didnt think so.
I am very quickly losing motivation and energy and i know that this is not the time of year for that to be happening but it is. 

And English is my first lesson of the term though thankfully i have a free first. I cant wait for things to get better but then i know that will only happen if i go along the path of it getting worse. Which is feckin great ¬¬ 
I really have no energy.
if i could just curl up and sleep and not worry and just be in comfort for just a day then i would be happy. But no. It's like this every day. I seriously hope i dont spiral down much further. 

Trying to use happier music to cheer myself up.

Patrick Wolf has amazing sex appeal.

I am getting so upset. Really this has got to stop but i'm not feeling well either and it's not helping. I know i havent updated LJ for like, ages, so i will have explain that over the past few weeks i have really been struggling. Recently it has got a lot worse and i have spent far far far too much time crying. Basically this whole uni thing is screwing me up and im turning into an emotional wreck. I have been crying over who i will miss, how much things are going to change and how hopeless i feel because i just predict that i will be lonely. I cant bear the thought of going right now and it's only 5 months away! I have no motivation to work right now, thinking about exams makes me want to kill myself and thinking about uni makes me want to cry. The fact that i haven't even decided where i want to go makes it even worse because time is ticking on and the pressure is REALLY building. 
And now that my mum and sister have been arguing over which uni i should go to in this room and have now left i am crying. i hate this. why cant i control myself?!

I love you all

Went for a meal at the pub last night with Aunty Debbie (one of those family friends you call Aunty even if they're not related) and her 22yr old daughter Claire, it was lots of fun! Two days (inc. today) til we break up! wooo! im trying to ignore the fact that it means that the exams are getting ever closer and simply loving the fact that i go away next friday. and potentially have a party on monday, will have to check that out with Rach though.
Anyways... today will be meh... tutorial is fine, english is bearable at the moment but two biology lessons is rather annoying, but i do get a lift home, which is groovy. Then i've got work ce soir but hopefully it'll go quickly because im on setting on wednesday nights and HOPEFULLY the person on take out will actually do their job of doing cutlery so that i dont have to do it all at the end of the night while they feck off home. Wishful thinking eh?! haha.

Firstly this must be read for it is maginificent writing:

Than was my dread, when round me on each part
The air I viewed, and other object none,
Save the fell beast. He, slowly sailing, wheels
His downward motion, unobserved of me, 
But that the wind, arising to my face,
Breathes on me from below. Now on our right
I heard the cataract beneath us leap
With hideous crash; whence bending down to explore,
New terror I conceived  at the steep plunge;
For flames I saw, and wailings smote mine ear:
So that, all trembling, close I crouch'd my limbs,
And then distinuguish'd, unperceived before,
By the dread torments that on every side
Drew nearer, how outr downward course we wound.
As falcon, that hath long been on the wing,
But lure nor bird hath seen, while in despair
The falconer cries "Ah me! thou stoop'st to earth,"
Wearied descends, whence nimbly he arose
In many an airy wheel, and lighting sits
At distance from his lord in angry mood;
So Geryon lighting places us on foot
Low down at base of the deep-furrow'd rock,
And, of his burden there discharged, forthwith
Sprang forward, like an arrow from the sting.

That was taken from The Divine Comedy, in particular the Inferno section, where Dante is descended into the next circle of Hell by the monster Geryon. How fantastic was that?!  Hehe.

Right...
<lj-cut text="Another quiz... answer about yourself">
1. Can you cook?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the Macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my partner in crime or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or Draft?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. In one word, how would you describe me?
34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

1. Male or Female?
2. Fandom you most associate with?
3. Fandom you associate me with?
4. Chocolate or Vanilla?
5. Coke or Sprite?
6. One person you'd give anything to meet?
7. The most famous person you've met?
8. Something about you that you think I should know.
9. One thing you're dying to have. 
</lj-cut>

<input ... ><input ... ><input ... ><input ... ><input ... ><input ... >

Oh... my... GOD!

I am going mad

I need to calm down.
Hopefully Mrs Aston planned to be away tomorrow because i could deal with having a lesson today and missing a double lesson tomorrow, though missing a lesson today would mean i inly have one lesson today and that is biology, which shouldnt be bad because i like doing the eye :) ah well, at least i am in a good mood and i have just seen the reason why LOL

hahahahahaa

Oh my god. CALM!

*breathes*

gotta work tonight, which might or might not be good depending on whether we get slaughtered by customers because they never put many people on midweek even though wednesdays have a tendency of being REALLY busy occassionally, in fact, 80% of the time i would say. At least we have chris, claire and rach on tonight, so at least the 4 of us will get things done even if we have ryan or nicky on to mess up take out and the dumbwaiter ¬¬ sorry to bitch but i am sick to death of having to do other people's jobs because they havent pulled themselves together and worked, especially when they then get to go home early because 'fiona's got it covered'. ¬¬ that really annoys me. I have enough to do without having the burden of your job too.

LOL rant over. And i need to quit saying 'lol' its getting horrible. Anyway, over and out for now.

Well I have been cheered up by crazy arguments between katie and susan lol. I like been on the outside cuz its so funny listening to them!! :p
Also, im thinking that i only have two days til my jumping lesson! wooooo! i love my jumping lessons because its so much easier having a private lesson with gemma than massive groups, plus i love jumping.

I love my dreams... (most of the time) haha well i loved last night's dream... continuation of mind death hahaha katie knows what im talking about hehehe.

Erm..... not sure what else to say. Im listening to Tool which is pleasant.

HIM are playing at the NIA in April... i want to go but its some festival thing and nobody will go with me.

Susan has just admitted to being perverted ROFLMAO!!!!!

bye for now

As I sat there I allowed the gaze of my eyes to lift and scan the room “to the world you thought you lived in”. I knew I was not down, the day had, in fact, been relatively good, positive, “so I smile and try to mean it”. I felt the thick but comfortable silence outside the sound of music in my ears, felt the volume of rustled paper, seemingly nothing in the eyes of anybody else. I tried to think of my music but the words seemed only hopeless though they tried to convey hope, these pounding violins in between verses “in any other world” they would have been terribly upsetting but today nothing was wrong, yet. I mean it when I say that sometimes you get so used to being down that you get very confused when you find yourself listening to sad music looking out at a silent humanity and you feel nothing, no sadness. I would not say I felt especially happy, my face did not pull a solitary smile, I simply sat and lived. Nothing to worry about, nothing to smile or cry about, not right now. It is surprising how pleasant a lack of strong emotion can be, even if it means that you don’t necessarily have a huge grin on your face. Who said you had to show happiness to be happy? Content, is probably a better word. “Relax, take it easy”. I would rather not be drawn from this but I know that I will be, it is inevitable. What is strange is how, for once in my life, I am feeling, truly feeling, but not. The music means everything and nothing, the silence ironically does that same. “It’s as if I’m scared, it’s as if I’m terrified” I wish I could feel this more often, life is too full of ‘how should I feel?’ and ‘this is how I feel’, giving a name to a feeling, all we are doing is trying to fit to a definition of feeling “are we playing with fire?” Happy does not have to be the ‘happy’ that others deem it to be, there is also no need to find any clever way to therefore make it seem like you are therefore actually deeply sad and depressed, that, because you don’t show what people want to be classed as ‘happy’ you must have some underlying problem, there must be a hidden issue like under all those poems. I personally enjoy this feeling of stumbling upon a section of life, just these 10 minutes, as if I had never known it before “wasted every day… I’m not pretending”
And finally it all goes blank.
The voice of another breaks the silence and the music changes, the world contorts back to 11 minutes ago and I am simply writing, it all goes and the feeling returns, the recognition of faces, the internal view of my world, not just a photograph. And yet, something feels strange and I realise that I still do not feel a real difference between my mood now and how it was before. I realise that I feel the same and that all it is is that I have been thrown back to reality. And finally I realise my conclusion. Feeling does not need to bear any link to reality. Reality and recognition of reality may stand alone, as it is possible for feeling to do the same. Mood, is reality. Mood is not necessarily feeling and we should all perhaps realise that sometimes, maybe even just for 10 minutes, it is possible to simply observe, feel from afar and yet not feel at all, for you have become lost from reality and the result, even if just for 10 minutes, is bliss.